Honesty and Confliction

Last night was amazing!  I have been in such a funk recently and it was great to get out.  My friend Marie performed at Jacque’s last night so I went with a bunch of people from the club to support and tip her like crazy!  The show was amazing, and it was great to see her work it on stage.  I was with such a good group of people, and the queens that performed were wicked hot!  Is it bad that I have a giant boner for drag queens?  After the show we were all wicked drunk, and decided to invade the strip club.  It was great!  I have never been there as a “customer” before.  It was fun getting a chance to tip all the girls and enjoy being there without dealing with the real customers.  I also had this wonderful moment where I realized how much I would miss the club when I leave.  I know I have been telling myself that I will leave at the end of the summer before school starts, but I’m not sure If I can.

Hanging out with that crew last night reminded me why I love my job so much.  There are so many people I work with at that club that I love seeing each night that I go in.  I also love that I have a family there.  I have spent so many nights in that place in the past year and a half, and there is this sence of security and comfort.

While many co-workers provide that, the customers can somtimes rob me of all security. This happend this past sunday night.  It was a pretty slow night, and everything was fine.  I made enough money that it was worth going in, and talked to this one really intersting guy for quite a while.  The last 5 minutes killed the whole night.  I gave this guy a lap dance and he was being really forceful with his hands.  I told him he couldn’t touch me and had to fight with him to put his hands down.  When he did, I started dancing again. 

There was a recent police bust, and the club has become much tighter on the law.  Legally speaking, there should be at least 3 feet between the customer and the dancer at all times. We still do contact dances, but the club has made it clear that girls are not to take off their thong in the lap dance area.With this said, If a guy promises to tip well I will pull my g-string to the side so he can get an eye full. 

So I asked this guy if he wanted to see it all.  He said yes.  I asked if he would tip well, and he said yes.  I pulled my bottoms to one side and let him look.  Then, I moved them back and started dancing again.  He just grabbed me while I was dancing, pulled my thong to the side and slid his finger into me.

I yelled at him, hit his hand away and stoped the dance.  He then took a $1 bill from his pocket and threw it at me and walked away.  As soon as I had my clothes on I went out to look for him but he was gone.

In the sceme of things, this wasn’t as bad as it could have been.  I have had a few other situations that were much worse, but that doesn’t make what this guy did OK. Especially for me.

When I am being intamate with a partner I CHOOSE, I don’t let them penetrate me.  Besides the obvious unwanted sexual contact, this fucks with my gender identity in such a deep emotional way.  I didn’t even really let this sink in until I got home and was trying to go to sleep, and then I just broke down.

I hate that the club can be a place where I feel comfort and find support from many of my co-workers.  The relationships I have with a few people there  are deep on so many levels.  They understand a part of my life my other friends can’t.  At the same time though, things happen that are out of my control that are just not OK.  These things happen so few and far between that it’s tough to decide if it’s all worth it or not.

I realize that when I talk to my friends who are not familliar with the club environment, I don’t give them the war stories.  I tell them about the intersting customers, the ones who are a pleasure to be around.  I don’t wan’t people to wory about me.  It’s like, the first time I had an unwanted sexual expeirence at the club I was torn up inside.  It was deffinelty worse than this past event, and it really changed me.

I didn’t go in after that first one for at lest a month.  But then, like always, I returned, and things were fine.  I know that this pattern is similar to that of an abusive relationship in many ways. The job often just makes me feel numb.  Different though, because something like this really might not ever happen again.  You never know.

It really is weird to say the truth.  I never say the truth about these things.  I’m tempted to write everything down I can remember.  Just write it. Get it out, both good and bad.  And then shape it. Put it together into a collection of stories, or a book, or write a screenplay from the experiences.

I have faith that there is something good than can come out of a bad experience.  I’m excited to see what it is.

-Goddess Lacey

~ by goddesslacey on August 18, 2009.