Girl Crush

One day this summer, I went to the beach with a good friend of mine.  Even though it was a bit of a trip, we decided to go to the beach in Lynn.  This is a friend that I’m not out to fully, and she does not know that I have been using male pronouns.  I haven’t told her because I am wicked afraid of our relationship changing because. In Boston, she really is one of those people I consider family.  This is important, for I was wearing a cute little 1050’s inspired halter bathing suit and lying out on the beach.

This girl approaches us and says something along the lines of “I don’t know if your gay, and I don’t know if you two are together, but if you are gay and not together you should give me a call”, handed me her phone number, and ran away.  I honestly didn’t even have time to decide if I thought she was cute before she ran off.  I decided one date couldn’t hurt.

She lives in Salem, and I took the train to see her soon after.  We had a nice time, and I found her interesting.  The next weekend she came to see me in Boston and we went for dinner and watched a movie.  We ended up kissing for a little while that night, and it was disappointing when I had to walk her back to the train station.

Now, this all sounds great, except for the part where she saw me as female.  I met her presenting female and she assumed I identified as a lesbian.  I guess I gave in to the pressure, and on these two dates, I presented female and did not mention my gender identity.  I did however tell her the truth about everything else.  I told her I work at a strip club.  I told her about kappa.  I told her my goals and ambitions. I told her about my phobia.  She was really open with me, and I tried to be open with her.

Except for my gender identity.

I knew I needed to tell her the truth about my identity, but I got so afraid that she would no longer be interested.  Instead of telling her the truth, I pulled away.  I didn’t return her calls, and I didn’t reach out.   About a month later, I was talking to a friend from school and ended up coming out to her.  My friend was really supportive and was actually a bit hurt I had not told her sooner.  This gave me a fair amount of confidence in regard to coming out, and I decided that since I was still thinking about my Salem girl, it was worth asking her out again.

I went to salem to see her two Sunday’s ago and we had a really nice time.  I went to a work party with her and actually felt really comfortable around her co-workers.  I met her roommates and liked them too.  That night while we were snuggling in bed, we talked about my gender identity.  It was really scary to talk about, but she handled it well.  She asked me what I was comfortable with, and how I wanted her to refer to me.  I told her I would prefer her not to use gendered pronouns at all, and she said that she would try really hard not to.  She told me it was OK with her, and that she was glad I was honest about it.

We talked a bit last week on the phone, and she asked me out again this past Friday.  I ended up going back to salem and we had a very relaxed night in.  We got some take out, drank a bottle of wine, watched some horror movies, and I ended up staying over.  I honestly didn’t plan on staying over when I left my house on Friday, but I did.  On Sunday afternoon she came into Boston to spend time with me, and go to a party my co-worker was having.  It was nice to bring her into a trans space and see how comfortable she was with it.

I think I’m falling for this girl.  She’s not my type and she lives pretty far away.  If I’m still interested, then it means I must really like her.  I usually meet people and get bored with them after we see each other a few times.  With Salem girl, it’s different.  She is the first person I have met in a while that I actually want to spend time with.  When she texts me, I get excited. 

I have a few things left that I need to do.  I need to ask her to use male pronouns.  I got scared of asking her to use them, because she identifies as a lesbian.  We had a talk, and she said that she’s really not interested in men.  I guess I just wonder if it’s possible for a a woman with a strong lesbian identity to be attracted to me, and actually see me as being male.  I get really discouraged because I don’t think people really see me as male as it is.  I’m not sure how to be out as trans in a relationship with a woman.  I’ve never done it before.

The last really positive relationship I was in was a few years ago.  We worked well together because we both could play with gender and presentation and we had an understanding that gender exploration was positive.  At the time though, we were both just out as lesbians and I had just started to play with the idea of using gender queer as an identity.

Now I find myself in a new space that I don’t know how to navigate through.  I like this girl.  I want her to like me for who I am. I want her to actually be able to look at me and see me as male. I want her to be able to sleep with me and still see me as being male, regardless of the biologically female body parts.  I know the relationship will not work if she can’t see me this way.  I’m just scared she won’t be able to see me correctly, or won’t be able to date a male identified person.

Fingers crossed for now,

Goddess Lacey

Therapy and Shifting Pronouns

Over the past month I have really begun to explore the complexity of my identity, and I have started co come to terms with it.  In the transgender community I have been using male pronouns for three or four months now and it is beginning to feel completely natural.  I no longer pause when asked my preferred pronoun.  When people are using male pronouns to talk about me, I am aware of the connection and it feels comfortable.

I am actually rather surprised at how much has happened in the past few months.  Just before school began in September, I started therapy.  The therapist I have been seeing is wonderful.  She specifically works with transgender clients, and has helped me figure out how gender relates and intersects with other aspects in my life.  We have done a lot of work around gender and relationships.  One of my biggest fears is that as I become more comfortable with my transgender identity, friends who are not part of the trans or queer community will pull away.  

I am afraid of how my relationships with people will change.  I don’t think that they should have to change, but the dynamic between men and men, men and women, and women and women are all very different.  As a man, my relationships with others will have to evolve into something new and hopefully equally strong.  Being out with everyone is jumping the gun a bit, but it’s slowly becoming a not so distant reality.

From my work in therapy, and my increasing comfort in the transgender space using male pronouns, I decided that I needed to come out to my sorority.  We currently have girls pledging and I wanted to tell the active sisters before the new girls are active.  I addressed the organization at a business meeting last week.  I have never come out to 20 people all at once about anything, let alone something as terrifying as my gender identity.

I told my Kappa sisters a condensed version of what’s going on.  I told them that I had been working with this transgender rights organization all summer and that I had been using male pronouns at my internship.  I told them that I wasn’t asking for them to use male pronouns right now, but that I would let them know if that changed.  Everyone was really great about it, and I honestly think that things are OK.  I believe now I need to learn how to navigate in this female space as a non female identified person.  I wish there were other sisters who came before me who were dealing with the same issues.  As far as I know, I am the first trans identified Kappa in the organizations history.

So as of now, I am out and using male pronouns at my internship.  I told my sorority about my gender identity, but I have not asked them to use male pronouns.  I told my new roommate (who is amazing) roughly the same thing I told Kappa.  There are still a few people that I feel like I need to talk to.  I get worried because the people who are left are the people I really don’t want to loose.  Part of me thing that maybe I shouldn’t say anything unless I’m asking people to use male pronouns full time.

I have come so close to asking my professors to use male pronouns.  I’m not sure what it is that snapped in the past month, but I have really been coming to terms with the male identified part of myself.  The female part is still there, but the male part is totally trumping the female part these days.  

I also find that the more involved I am with the transgender rights organization, the more often I hear myself being referred to with male pronouns.  I think that the more often this has happened, the more comfortable I have become with it.  There was a while where I wanted to be able to enjoy it, but it just felt wicked foreign to me.  I remember that these feelings made me often question weather I had a right to use male pronouns.  I now know that I do.  I have a right to use any pronoun that makes me comfortable in any given situation.

-Goddess Lacey

Transgender Rights Now!

It’s been quite a while since I have written and so much has happened.  In the past month I have really come into my own.  I owe a lot of my self exploration and self understanding to my continued work with the transgender rights organization.

When I started interning with them this summer, I was photographing some important events.  It was a great experience for me as a photographer and I had the chance to get my work out there.  I had a photograph published in the Bay Windows newspaper and some other photographs published on the organization’s website.  These were great experiences, but by the end of the summer I knew I wanted to get more involved with the organization.

I’m so proud of myself for putting myself out there.  For the past month and a half or so I have been going in to the office once a week.  I have a big event I’m planning that will take place in June, I have been helping with other event planning and fundraising, and last week I just got appointed to the steering committee.  I am excited to really be part of this organization, and excited to fight for a cause I truly believe in.  I have greatly missed the activist in me, and it feels good to find that spirit again.

Just last week there was a march and rally for jobs that the trans rights organization marched in.  I went to the rally to take pictures for my photography class at school, as well as for the organization.  Though the rally was not as large as I had hoped, it was really inspiring to see people of all different backgrounds coming together to fight for better working conditions, better wages, and job security.  Many of the blue collar workers who were at the rally acknowledged and embraced the transgender presence.

Two days later I ventured out of town for the New England Trans United Pride March and Rally in Northampton.  The weather that day was really nasty, but a good number of people still came out to support transgender rights.  I got a ride to the pride event with the director of the organization I’m interning with.  I’m glad I had the experience of getting a ride with him, for it helped me to loosen up and really be myself.  The event it self was tough to be at in some ways.  There was a good turn out for the nasty weather for the march itself, but after the march people dispersed pretty quickly.  We stuck it out for most of the day.  I spent my time getting postcards signed to show support for the bill (H1728/S1687), and goofing off with a buddy.

Attending these events was good for me, for they both pushed my comfort levels.  The labor rally was interesting because there were a bunch of Emerson students who saw me march with the transgender rights organization.  I thought I would be more hesitant to people seeing my affiliation with such an organization.  In reality, I was proud to be standing there fighting for the labor rights transgender people deserve.  At the pride march in Northampton, I felt much more overwhelmed.  The whole event was about being transgender and being proud of your trans status.  Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely proud of my identity.  I realize though that I am proud of my identity in a different way.

 I want to be the person who creates change behind the scenes, not the person who marches with a banner.

-Goddess Lacey

Trans Beauty Pageant

Saturday was a day filled with adventure, new friends, and community support.  

There was transgender beauty pageant on Saturday night that I really wanted to go to.  An acquaintance of mine also expressed interest about going to the pageant, so we decided to make  it a day trip!  I met up with her around 1:00 pm and started our adventure with a 2 hour drive.  Having never really talked before, the conversation in the beginning was a bit forced but we became comfortable with each other pretty quickly.  We stopped along the way to explore a bit, and had a few little adventures.  Once we got to town, we parked and ate lunch at this cute mexican place.  Then, we walked around the town for a while before meeting up with one of her good friends, and her friend’s boyfriend.

I had no real expectations going into the pageant, and it ended up being a really nice event.  There were 8 women competing for the crown. The woman Lorelei who won did a phenomenal job and truly deserved the win!  The event was great for the trans community.  It truly  celebrated these women for being talented beautiful women who are also proud of their transgender status.  I can only imagine the amount of confidence it took for these women to get up in front of an audience, and I am proud to have been there to witness it.

I wish we could be at a point where we as a society didn’t need to have a beauty pageant exclusively for transgender women.  The event was very much focused on the transgender issues, and the transgender status of all of the contestants.  This could be looked at as a negative, because so many transgender men and women just want to be seen as men and women- without the trans precursor.  With that said, it was very empowering to see these women celebrating their transgender status.  As long as we live in a society that is oppressive to the transgender community, events like this need to happen in order to raise awareness and keep the community strong and together.

Throughout the day I had some difficulties with my own gender identity.  The woman I went on the trip with was just an acquaintance, but  I met her in a space where I introduced myself using male pronouns.  I didn’t really think about how my identity was going to be read and it wasn’t even something I was worried about until after we started the drive.  She used female pronouns multiple times in passing, and I felt stuck.  I felt stuck in my presentation, stuck in my authenticity, and stuck in my own more complicated identity.

I was presenting male on Saturday, but I realize that although I was wearing mens clothing I still look pretty feminine.  It distresses me a bit that she read me as being female since I met her in a trans activist group.  I guess it hurts because if she can’t see me as being male, I certainly can’t expect the average cisgender person to.  From there, I became anxious about saying anything because I didn’t feel authentic enough I suppose.  I do identify as being transgender.  Not a day goes by when I don’t question gender to the core of my being, but for someone who doesn’t know my history it may come off as inauthentic?

There was this moment when the four of us headed to the bathroom.  I was faced with the ever so important decision, which bathroom do I use?  I find that since I don’t pass as male it is much safer and more comfortable to suck it up and use the women’s bathroom in a multi stall facility.  When there are single stalls however, I almost always use the Men’s.  Anyway, so here I was trying to figure out what to do.  Logically it made way more sense to follow my two new female friends into the women’s rest room while my friends boyfriend uses the men’s room.  I also thought about going into the men’s room too and really shaking things up since they saw me as being female.  I didn’t really know what to do and my anxiety kicked in.  I decided not to use the bathroom at all.  And as I painfully learned when I had to pee during the pageant, I made a stupid decision.  I realize it really doesn’t matter what bathroom I use at any given time as long as it is a safe option for me.  If I pass 80% of the time as a woman, I should use the woman’s and if I pass %80 of the time as a man I should use the men’s.  Problem solved (haha I wish it was that easy!).

On the drive back my new friend and I started to talk about gender identity.  I did quite a lot of listening and heard a fair amount of her gendered history.  I mentioned a few things, but didn’t feel like getting into it.  It will be interesting when I see her at the next meeting and I introduce myself with male pronouns.

As a side note, I’m going to be working more closely with the transgender rights organization over the school year and will have my own project to plan and implement.  I’m excited to jump more deeply into the cause, but it will be interesting to see what it feels like to be using male pronouns with all of the contacts I meet through that internship.  I’m still struggling to figure out if it is even appropriate to use male pronouns.  I started using them because I don’t identify with female pronouns, and gender neutral ones are unfortunately not very practical.  Using male pronouns was really the only way to avoid female pronouns.  I don’t think that I have to identify as being 100% male to use male pronouns.

-Goddess Lacey

Honesty and Confliction

Last night was amazing!  I have been in such a funk recently and it was great to get out.  My friend Marie performed at Jacque’s last night so I went with a bunch of people from the club to support and tip her like crazy!  The show was amazing, and it was great to see her work it on stage.  I was with such a good group of people, and the queens that performed were wicked hot!  Is it bad that I have a giant boner for drag queens?  After the show we were all wicked drunk, and decided to invade the strip club.  It was great!  I have never been there as a “customer” before.  It was fun getting a chance to tip all the girls and enjoy being there without dealing with the real customers.  I also had this wonderful moment where I realized how much I would miss the club when I leave.  I know I have been telling myself that I will leave at the end of the summer before school starts, but I’m not sure If I can.

Hanging out with that crew last night reminded me why I love my job so much.  There are so many people I work with at that club that I love seeing each night that I go in.  I also love that I have a family there.  I have spent so many nights in that place in the past year and a half, and there is this sence of security and comfort.

While many co-workers provide that, the customers can somtimes rob me of all security. This happend this past sunday night.  It was a pretty slow night, and everything was fine.  I made enough money that it was worth going in, and talked to this one really intersting guy for quite a while.  The last 5 minutes killed the whole night.  I gave this guy a lap dance and he was being really forceful with his hands.  I told him he couldn’t touch me and had to fight with him to put his hands down.  When he did, I started dancing again. 

There was a recent police bust, and the club has become much tighter on the law.  Legally speaking, there should be at least 3 feet between the customer and the dancer at all times. We still do contact dances, but the club has made it clear that girls are not to take off their thong in the lap dance area.With this said, If a guy promises to tip well I will pull my g-string to the side so he can get an eye full. 

So I asked this guy if he wanted to see it all.  He said yes.  I asked if he would tip well, and he said yes.  I pulled my bottoms to one side and let him look.  Then, I moved them back and started dancing again.  He just grabbed me while I was dancing, pulled my thong to the side and slid his finger into me.

I yelled at him, hit his hand away and stoped the dance.  He then took a $1 bill from his pocket and threw it at me and walked away.  As soon as I had my clothes on I went out to look for him but he was gone.

In the sceme of things, this wasn’t as bad as it could have been.  I have had a few other situations that were much worse, but that doesn’t make what this guy did OK. Especially for me.

When I am being intamate with a partner I CHOOSE, I don’t let them penetrate me.  Besides the obvious unwanted sexual contact, this fucks with my gender identity in such a deep emotional way.  I didn’t even really let this sink in until I got home and was trying to go to sleep, and then I just broke down.

I hate that the club can be a place where I feel comfort and find support from many of my co-workers.  The relationships I have with a few people there  are deep on so many levels.  They understand a part of my life my other friends can’t.  At the same time though, things happen that are out of my control that are just not OK.  These things happen so few and far between that it’s tough to decide if it’s all worth it or not.

I realize that when I talk to my friends who are not familliar with the club environment, I don’t give them the war stories.  I tell them about the intersting customers, the ones who are a pleasure to be around.  I don’t wan’t people to wory about me.  It’s like, the first time I had an unwanted sexual expeirence at the club I was torn up inside.  It was deffinelty worse than this past event, and it really changed me.

I didn’t go in after that first one for at lest a month.  But then, like always, I returned, and things were fine.  I know that this pattern is similar to that of an abusive relationship in many ways. The job often just makes me feel numb.  Different though, because something like this really might not ever happen again.  You never know.

It really is weird to say the truth.  I never say the truth about these things.  I’m tempted to write everything down I can remember.  Just write it. Get it out, both good and bad.  And then shape it. Put it together into a collection of stories, or a book, or write a screenplay from the experiences.

I have faith that there is something good than can come out of a bad experience.  I’m excited to see what it is.

-Goddess Lacey

What’s In a Name?

I sat down and talked with this trans guy who recently graduated from my college.  The whole conversation was really tough, and I’ve already written quite a lot about it.  During that conversation however, he asked me if I had changed my name yet.  That got my gears turning.

Lets say that my name is Sam, legally Samantha.  I have gone by Sam since I came to Boston.  My facebook has said Sam as long as I can remember, and no one in my life here uses my legal name.  

If I change my name to Sam legally before I graduate, then my diploma will say Sam.  This would be really great because if I do transition at some point, my diploma will match my name.  Ok, so perfect.  Sounds like I figured out my first step.

Wrong.

I wish things were that easy.  I don’t think it’s fair to legally change my name without telling my family.  My family and I have a complicated history that I’m sure I will go into more detail about in the future.  Bottom line though, we do not have an open relationship and there is no real communication.  My parents found out that I identified as a lesbian my freshman year of high school (I was 14) and did not react well.  To this day, they have never met someone I have dated, or even known about anyone I have dated.  Since all of the family therapy that year, we haven’t discussed my lesbian identity even once.  We are a very “don’t ask, don’t tell” family you could say.

I would not be able to change my name without their acknowledgment, but I’m not sure if I feel comfortable enough to even try to bring it up with them.  I absolutely would not be telling them about my transgender identity.  I just can’t think of any way to explain why I would need to legally change my name.

Changing my name is something I need to do for myself.  Regardless of transition plans, I don’t identify with my legal name and I haven’t for as long as I can remember.

But I ask myself, can I really do this?  Is this something that I can honestly see myself bringing up to my family? If I don’t think I can tell them, is it something I can do anyway?

Another thing I am considering is, if I am changing my name do I want to change my name from Samantha to Sam?  Or do I want to pick a different name?  It’s interesting how the name Sam isn’t good enough.  That can be seen as such a female name, and doesn’t completely express my gender identity a lot of the time.  

Could I change my name completely?  I love the name Ayden.  Right now the idea of changing it completely is just a fantasy, but the idea of changing it from Samantha to Sam could be a reality.

-Goddess Lacey

Ask a Transman

Last Monday I met up with this trans guy Alex.  He recently graduated from my college, but I had never talked to him.  I wanted to rack his brain, and hear about how his transition at school went.

What I expected to be an insightful talk was one of the most personally challenging conversations I have ever had.  To be perfectly honest, when we were done I hid in an ally and broke down.  And I never break down.

I just wanted to hear his story, and how he began to transition and handle stuff at school.  Alex spent about five minutes telling me about his experiences, and then started asking me questions.  He was challenging me, and almost forcing me to have answers.

He first asked if I had legally changed my name.  When I told him that I hadn’t, he told me that I needed to.  He asked if I was in therapy.  I said that I had tried, but couldn’t find a therapist that I could afford.  He told me I was being stupid and needed to find one as soon as possible.  He asked me if I was planning on surgery and T.  I told him I wasn’t even remotely close enough to a physical transition to decide those things.  He said I needed to know.  Then, he shifted the conversation and started talking about how society would see and react to my “maleness”.  He asked me if I really understood what it was to be male.  I replied by explaining that I didn’t think there was one way to be male, and that gender is a social construct.  He said that wasn’t true in the “real world” (aka outside of the queer community).  

This first part of the conversation was frustrating, but the second half was the killer.

Alex asked me if I like men or women.  I explained to him  that I was mainly attracted to women, but that I could see myself being with a guy as a guy.  He tried to tell me that as a feminine man, if I couldn’t identify as gay I wouldn’t be able to find a community.  He also told me that all of my relationships would have to change.  That if I was a “straight guy” I couldn’t really be friends with girls, and I would need to surround myself by men.  That I would need to give up my femininity in order to be taken seriously.  That I would have to mold myself to be the kind of guy other straight guys want to hang out with.

He just kept going, and going.  Telling me all these things that I would apparently need to do before, during, and after transition. 

I do not have to change myself to be more of a “man”.  I have lived my whole life trying to define what being a “woman” is for me, and I learned quite a while ago that there isn’t just one way.  Gender is malleable, and it can shift and change.  My masculinity and my femininity do not shape my sex.  There are men and women (cisgender and transgender) alike that are more masculine or more feminine than I am.The conversation ended soon after, and I felt completely torn apart.  My male identity had been scrutinized, and I felt so disconnected from a female identity.

I usually identify as being both male and female.  That both boxes feel wrong for different reasons.  After this talk, I broke down because I felt like both identities were gone.  I felt empty.

-Goddess Lacey

 

“Inside I’m hollowed out
Outside’s a paper shroud
And all the rest’s illusion
That there’s a will and soul
That we can wrest control
From chaos and confusion” 

- Exquisite Corpse, Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Lets talk about anal sex… at a strip club?

Sometimes I can’t help but think about why things happen the way they do.  How easy it would be for something to never happen at all.

Last night I went into work at the club, even though I didn’t want to.  I was working on internship work all afternoon and ended up going in to work late because of it.  In addition to running late, I was having quite the boy day yesterday so stripper mode was not easy to jump into.  I got in to the club around 10pm and didn’t give my first lap dance until at least 11:30 pm.  I spent the first half of the night buying myself drinks from the bar, hiding out on the fire escape with the mosquitos, and chain smoking far to many cigarettes.

When I went on stage I ended up having a killer set.  I locked eyes with this one customer who was an absolutely beautiful man.  He had this special thing about him I was drawn to.  He tipped me a few dollars, and then I had to move on and try to connect with everyone else sitting at the bar.  When I returned downstairs from my stage set I started hustling.  By 1:30 am I had managed to pop out 7 private dances.  I was on the hunt for my 8th victim.

I walked up to that beautiful man that I locked eyes with, and asked him if he wanted a private dance.  He told me that he didn’t do dances.  I wish I could remember why I stayed.  In the moment, I some how decided that sitting and talking to this guy was more important than hustling for the last stretch of the night.  This man bought me a cocktail and we started talking.  I asked him the usual questions, and the conversation dragged on.  At one extremely large lull in conversation, I was blunt and asked him if and what his fetishes were.

He looked at me, eyes lighting up, and said “I like anal play”.  Ahah!  I figured him out!  So I kept asking questions.  We spent the rest of our time talking about his sexual experiences with men, with women, and with transwomen.  He  shared with me what it is exactly that he is attracted to.  He likes the femininity of a woman, and the power of a man.  He likes to give and to receive. He said he is open to trying anything once.

At 1:48 am the DJ startles me and asks if I can dance last set.  I agree, and thank the man I’m with for the honest and arousing conversation.  As I’m getting up from the bar, he hands me a tip.  I thank him again, and run upstairs to get onstage.

I just make it upstairs in time, and I start to descend down the stairs to the stage.  On my way down I take a quick peak at the tip I was just given. Damn.  That beautiful anal play loving surprise of a customer gave me $100, just like that.  He even handed me a couple dollars on stage.  For solidarity’s sake.

Last night helped to remind me why I continue to work at the club.  Regardless of how much shit I have to endure, I still have the rare privelidge of special moments like this.  Honest moments.  Exciting moments. The kind of moments that change you.

This conversation triggered my own sexual exploration.  In the past day I have let myself play with different sexual situations that turn me on.  It helped me confirm that as a woman I like being with women, but helped me realize that as a man I’m interested in men and women.  I also realized that I’m open to being with another trans person, regardless of where they are in their transition.  I think it would actually be an interesting experience to be with a trans person.  I believe that it would be sexually freeing for myself.  There are  basic traditional things, like vaginal penetration, that I am not comfortable with.  If I was sharing a sexual experience with a transgender person, I would have the comfort of knowing that they most likely  know what it feels like to be sexually and emotionally detached from their genitals.  This may challenge me, and help me break down the wall that I have so carefully built.

-Goddess Lacey

Pronouns

I have recently been struggling with pronouns and identifying myself to other people.  As Kate Bornstein said in Gender Outlaw: On Men, Women, and the Rest of Us:

“I know I’m not a man—about that much I’m very clear, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m probably not a woman either, at least not according to a lot of people’s rules on this sort of thing. The trouble is, we’re living in a world that insists we be one or the other” (Bornstein,  8)

I really relate to this quote for I know I am not female, but I don’t identify as being fully “male”, at least by societies standards.

If I had to put it into words, I identify as being female towards male.  If gender neutral pronouns were commonly used I would be more likely to use them everyday, but since they are not widely used it becomes tricky.  I think of gender neutral pronouns as being more political.  I like what they represent, but they are almost useless in a non queer space or community.

I have started to openly identify with male pronouns in specific safe transgender spaces.  I wasn’t sure if people in the community saw me as male, but recently in that community, I got sir’d like it was no big deal!  It was awesome, but It’s been difficult to keep the pronouns separate.  I am not ready for certain people to use male pronouns, and not sure if I will ever be ready in some communities.

On Monday night for example, I went to a drag show downtown with one of the women I work with at my internship at the non-profit media production company.  At this internship I use female pronouns.  There was a large possibility that I would run into someone from the transgender community I am part of that I have started to use male pronouns with.  There was also a large possibility that a few people from the club world would come to the drag show, and I clearly use female pronouns when I am at work.

I’m relieved to say that these worlds did not end up colliding too badly.  I saw a few people I’m aquatinted with from different communities, but no one who was going to use one pronoun in front of someone who knows me as the other pronoun.

I also had a situation occur that could have been much more problematic.  I recently became friends with this transguy Andrew and he uses male pronouns for me.  Apparently he is friends with this girl Devon that I am acquainted with.  I met Devon through my roommate, and the two of them are really good old friends.  Andrew and Devon were talking about how they both knew me, and Andrew used male pronouns when talking about me.  I was outed.  My roommate doesn’t have the best relationship with transgender stuff, and it would make things really uncomfortable at home if she knew I was using male pronouns.

This is seriously starting to fuck with my head.  I’m grateful for the experiences I have had in all of the different communities I am a part of, but at some point my worlds are going to have to come together.  I’m not sure how much longer I can keep this up.

-Goddess Lacey

Internships

The past six months have been really important for my personal growth.  I finally feel like I’m coming into myself, and figuring out who I really am and professionally what I am interested in.

I have three internships this summer.  One is a virtual internship with a queer media distribution company.  The film I am helping to distribute is fantastic.  The director managed to make a documentary about her transition from Male to Female without using the stereotypical formula.  Instead, she focuses on the way her family and friends reached and how her relationships changed for the better and for the worse.  This is the kind of documentary that people need to see, and I am very excited about educating about transgender issues through distribution.

I am also working with a local nonprofit organization as their media intern.  The activist in me is excited to have the opportunity to build up my portfolio while fighting for Transgender rights.  I have met so many incredible people through this internship and I can’t wait to continue to work with them.

My third internship this summer is with a media production company that is working on post-production for a documentary about a local drag king troupe.  I’ve been helping with marketing and building a buzz for when the film comes out in the Fall.  I am also going to have the chance to watch the editing process as the documentary progresses.

Although I am working on things that truly inspire me, I feel trapped.  I am trapped by the binary system as well as my own personal confrontations of gender.  

I feel pressure to present differently each internship.  The pressure is not a societal pressure, but rather a personal one.  When I am working with the Transgender  non-profit organization, I let myself explore the male side of myself because I see it as being a gender safe zone.  This community, as inclusive as they try to be, wants to put me in a box just like everyone else.  I specifically went into my internship without using pronouns.  Although I am presenting male, people have used my biological name on multiple occasions.  This frustrates me because I have made the name I go by quite clear.  I had a photograph published in the paper a while back, and my legal name was published as the photo credit. Not OK.  I never asked to be called male pronouns.  To be perfectly honest, I wanted to, but since I do not use them in any other situations, I didn’t know if that would be appropriate.  The bottom line is, the trans community has made me feel like I need to pick a box just as much as the Cisgender community has.

The women I am working with on the documentary about the drag king troupe both identify as female and as lesbians.  They are both older than I am, and it was difficult at first to find common ground.  I present relatively gender neutral when I am at the office, but do use female pronouns.  I’m not sure why I felt like I needed to.  I believe it is because the lesbian community is a community that until about six months ago I felt very comfortable in.  Identifying as female and as a lesbian is safe for me.

In this second space for example, it is more comfortable for me to identify as a lesbian for solidarity’s sake.  I can relate to these two women I am working with much easier, and they can relate to me.

I hate how easy it is for me to pass as female.  No one questions it.  I am curious how people read my gender presentation at the non-profit media internship.  I’m assuming that I do not pass the way I would like to.  I do wonder what people think in Transgender community, but I can’t let it bother me.

-Goddess Lacey